"Alberto Gonzales Wipes His Ass with the Constitution, Now You Can Too!"
WASHINGTON--(SB WIRE)--Feb. 16, 2005--Government printing office has overrun of special ordered for the office of the Attorney General's office, makes Constitution available to the public!
The GSA's mistake is your gain! Someone in the White House goofed! Seven months ago someone in the office of the legal counsel to the President filled out schedule ooJWOD and checked the box SIN J851 1 for jumbo . Then they also checked SIN J752 2 for customized business products and wrote in "The Constitution of the United States (with Bill of Rights)". Was the mistake that we printed the Constitution on the ? NO! They wanted the Constitution on the ! The problem is they ordered TOO MUCH! Instead of 200 gross cases of the they ordered 200 gross containers! Each container alone contains 2000 gross cases! The total order equaled 829 MILLION rolls of . Here at the we just followed orders since we didn't want to be classified as enemy combatants!
After yelling at us and threatening us with waterboarding, stress positions and sticking a model IR-139G eGloStick up our ass, we said we would get rid of the excess AT A PROFIT (which we would split with the Attorney General's office). So now this product that was to be used exclusively by the White House, and the Attorney General's office can be used by you in the comfort of your own bathroom!
Act now! Supplies are limited! Don't DeLay! Order yours today! Operators in India are standing by! Be the first Ranger in your gated community to own a case!
http://apps.fss..gov/pub/mtips/sept_oct04/SepOct04_11.pdf
Here's the load coming in from China
Here's the containers sitting on a dock in Baltimore, waiting for your purchase!
-yes this is a parody and is covered by the still existing (for now) free speech laws, see Larry Flynt vs. Jerry Falwell for precedent. Please don't send me to Gitmo! The Heretik started this. I wasn't even in the room when that happened!
The GSA's mistake is your gain! Someone in the White House goofed! Seven months ago someone in the office of the legal counsel to the President filled out schedule ooJWOD and checked the box SIN J851 1 for jumbo . Then they also checked SIN J752 2 for customized business products and wrote in "The Constitution of the United States (with Bill of Rights)". Was the mistake that we printed the Constitution on the ? NO! They wanted the Constitution on the ! The problem is they ordered TOO MUCH! Instead of 200 gross cases of the they ordered 200 gross containers! Each container alone contains 2000 gross cases! The total order equaled 829 MILLION rolls of . Here at the we just followed orders since we didn't want to be classified as enemy combatants!
After yelling at us and threatening us with waterboarding, stress positions and sticking a model IR-139G eGloStick up our ass, we said we would get rid of the excess AT A PROFIT (which we would split with the Attorney General's office). So now this product that was to be used exclusively by the White House, and the Attorney General's office can be used by you in the comfort of your own bathroom!
Act now! Supplies are limited! Don't DeLay! Order yours today! Operators in India are standing by! Be the first Ranger in your gated community to own a case!
http://apps.fss..gov/pub/mtips/sept_oct04/SepOct04_11.pdf
Here's the load coming in from China
Here's the containers sitting on a dock in Baltimore, waiting for your purchase!
-yes this is a parody and is covered by the still existing (for now) free speech laws, see Larry Flynt vs. Jerry Falwell for precedent. Please don't send me to Gitmo! The Heretik started this. I wasn't even in the room when that happened!
5 Comments:
I don't know...people tend to want to read something in the bathroom, and this screed is dangerously radical and somewhat liberal. Hope we can rely on the weird handwriting and ancient text to make people indifferent to it.
So, how many cases can I put you down for? :-)
The Rightest On to You, Spocko
Let's send all the boxes to Adolf Gonzales' chambers! Flood the floor with toliet paper! Note should say: Figuratively is good, literally is better!....or Asswipes Unite...or Since you can't get at the real one...or SHIT! Oh well.
If it were for real...*sigh*
When I do my fake press releases I like to include real facts. All those numbers and schedules are REAL! I went to the GSA website and dug up the numbers for toilet paper and customized business paper products. I'm guessing that someone from the government might stumble upon the website and would appreciate the accuracy
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