Who Would Jesus Shoot?

I didn't complete a project on time last night so I punished myself by listening to our favorite morally repugnant pro-torture "theocon" radio host Brian Sussman.

I find his self proclaimed title as a theocon confusing. I missed the show were he talked about why Jesus was in support of the war in Iraq. I would have listened but I think I would have been afflicted by non-stop projectile vomiting.

One thing that I really would like the leadership of mainstream Christian churches to focus on would be separating themselves from people who claim to represent the values of Christianity. For example, I think most Christian leaders condemn Fred Phelps, (he of the famous "God Hates Fags" campaign). He's a hate-filled nut.

The right asks for the Mullahs to reign in their own crazy, Islamofacists who promote killing. That makes sense, don't you think they should also look at the log in their own eye at "theocons" (Christofacists?) who promote killing? War? Gun ownership? (Wow, would that freak out a few congregations!)

I'm curious, were there a bunch of ministers standing up against the "Kill Bill" that just went into effect in Florida? (Which was hysterically called something like the "Stand your Ground and Don't Run Away like a Girly Man if Anyone Scares You" bill.)

I know the NRA has done a lot of thinking about this. I have to give them credit, they are some of the most well prepared spokesmen on the planet. They have a reasonable sounding argument for every possible challenge to their most extreme rights. I'm sure that twisting Jesus' words into support of their "rights" is on page 2 of their spokesperson's handbook. And I'm sure they have plenty of priests, ministers, and nuns that they can trot out to support them.

Heck, even Spocko KNOWS some gun toting priests. But if pressed, I wonder how many will be behind everyone owning a machine gun? Well that's just what our favorite "theocon" father of five children under the age of 18 believes.

I think it's good Brian Sussman has gone on record with this pro-machine gun views. I also would like him to step forward and reaffirm his views every time children are killed with assault weapons. Better yet it would be swell if he talked to the parents of the dead. Now that would be some great radio! Even better TV! Can you imagine the show? "How are you feeling right now knowing that your daughter was blown away by the totally cool AK-47? Jesus must have really loved your husband to give him the privilege of getting his skull shattered by 12 rounds in rapid succession from a TEC-DC9. What? You aren't happy? Look, the death of your wife is a really small price to pay for the greater right of ours to have cool guns. The sooner you accept that fact the sooner I will be able to look at myself in the mirror."

It would be especially nice if he called up the parents of teen boys who blow their brains out with hand guns found in the home.

It really shouldn't be too hard of a call. "Hey Mom of dead teen, not having those hand guns in the house wouldn't have made any difference. He would have killed himself some other way. You obviously aren't a very responsibly parent if your kid got to your guns and used it. My kids would never do something so stupid. What do you mean you didn't think your kids would either? Well you shouldn't have left them out. Mine are in a safe and my kids don't know the combination. Oh, yours were too? Hmmm. Well I guess your kid is I mean WAS smarter than mine. Well, shit happens. I would say I'd pray for you, but everyone in my Christian community really are for MORE guns and against any kind of heathen gun control. Remember, Jesus said, 'Praise Me and Pass the Ammo!' And besides, only Godless liberals are for limiting guns. Don't look for any pro-gun control comfort from our community. Well have a nice day, there is a cooling front coming in from the north so bundle up!"

Finally, remember folks, if you son or daughter is playing over at the Sussman house, LOOK OUT! You know they've got guns, maybe the Mrs. should show you how safely they are stored. If some of Brian's Kids are in your classroom maybe you should take another look in their backpack! If you are members of Brian's congregation be sure to shake his hand after services and ask him what kind of assault weapon Jesus would be shooting.

Oh and if you are not happy with this kind of fun lovin' gun shooting talk from a Theocon, be sure to alert your favorite KSFO advertiser. Because you KNOW that the machine gun lovers will call the advertisers and tell them they LOVE what Brian is saying.

KSFO Advertisers Pick your favorite and tell 'em how much you appreciate Brian's gun lovin' ways. They have helpfully listed their websites for you to call or write them!

Of if you want to buy some ads on Brian's show be sure to call:

Michael Black, General Sales Manager
415-954-7661
or E-Mail Michael Black at michael.black@abc.com
(Hey look, KSFO is a Family Friendly ABC company! Machine Guns and Mickey go together like landmines and legs!)

Get your "Everything's an assault weapon... you could technically assault somebody with a potato peeler!" talking point ready for pamphleteering or cable access show debates.
- From "9 Tips For Assault Weapons Revelers" by Norbizness. Check out his great site!