Inspiring words from Dick "Boom Boom" Cheney

Cheney to grads: Don't be stopped by failure

BATON ROUGE, La. Vice President Cheney has a message for college graduates: don't let failure stop you. In fact, he says, setbacks can sometimes be a good thing. [Look at 9/11! The failure there got us to our true goal, Iraq. The failure there got us to our true goal, control of the oil. The failure there got us to our true goal, Iran. We haven't failed there yet, but if we do, it will be a good thing.]

In a commencement speech at Louisiana State University, Cheney said it's the rare successful person who hasn't had "a taste of failure, or a false start along the way." ["Look at George W. Bush. He tasted failure his entire life! Failed business owner, failed pilot, failed president, false start in the war against Iraq, but right now he is in the best physical shape of his life! 9 percent body fat! Abs of steel! And I have no doubt he will be the most successful former president ever. The money that is owed him will come rushing in after 2008! Now that is Success!"]

Cheney cited his own experience at Yale, where he flunked out -- twice. He also described interviewing for a job with a young Congressman Donald Rumsfeld -- and being dismissed out of hand.

Cheney says the lesson is this: "Don't give up, or let your doubts get the best of you." ["I kept shaking down CIA agents until I found one who said what I wanted. I never doubted I could get the CIA to play ball."]

Setbacks can either "stop you dead in your tracks -- or they can inspire you to move forward."
['For example when we couldn't dupe all the American people so we decided to dupe the press first. They proved very dupeable." ]

Either way, Cheney says, they're "crucial days" -- when your choice of a future "belongs to you alone." ["Oh," he added "And the 3 NSA agents who are listening into your calls, so make it a good choice. And stay out of the military, it's a sucker's game. Trust me. I know."]

AP story, with fictional modifications by Spocko.