Hate the new office tradition of cube to cube trick or treating? h/t Val Rodham
Think that using desperate people to make money is just smart business? (e.g. Whitefish in Puerto Rico )
If so, follow these simple tips from Evil Spocko channeling today’s Trumpian Halloween Trick and Treat techniques.
- Put out a BIG empty bowl with sign over it that says, ‘Help yourself to 3 or 4.” or “These are big, so take only ONE!” h/t David Feldman
- Next to the empty bowl put a milk carton with a coin slot in the top covered with orange construction paper. Write on the paper “Trick or Treat for UNICEF!”
- When people see that there is nothing in the bowl, complain about greedy co-workers who must have taken all the treats while you were gone.
- When asked what candy you had, mention the favorite candy of your office rival.
“I’m not saying he took it, but you might want to notice what candy he is eating over the next few weeks.”
- When you go to other desks, bring your Trick Or Treat for UNICEF carton. Don’t take any of their candy because, “I don’t want what happened to me happen to you.” Tell the story of the great candy you had to give out but how your good intentions were thwarted by others.
- Casually rattle your UNICEF milk carton while talking (make sure the hole in the carton is big enough for paper money,) mention how much you loved Audrey Hepburn as a kid and how she inspired you.
PROFIT! The day after Halloween use the donated money to buy discounted candy for yourself.
- Tell everyone you donated to UNICEF, since no one will ever check. A few week later make yourself a signed photo of Angelina Jolie, praising your generosity. Post in your cube. (This trick gives you a way to post photos of Jolie without running afoul of HR. “Hey, she sent it to me! I didn’t ask for that photo!” no one will ever check if it is real.)
Claim you made a cash charitable deduction to UNICEF on your tax return. (Use multiple other charity names to claim deductions. Claiming cash donations to Salvation Army is a good one because they can’t know where the money in the buckets came from. )
Continue to point out your rival is STILL eating the candy you accused them of stealing. Suggest that maybe there should be an investigation.
Continue this candy getting trick for years.
Make sure all the new people in the office think your rival is a candy thief.
Repeat rival’s candy thief nickname every time he is seen eating candy. “Look, it’s Sticky Fingers McCoy!”
Make a joke about your rival every time anyone has an empty bowl at their desk. “Uh, oh, it looks like Sticky Fingers McCoy was here!”
If pressed by defenders of your rival say, “If Dr. McCoy claims he didn’t take the candy, I take him at his word.” Stop candy thief rumors but switch to stories of thievery in other areas.
Take someone else’s food from the office refrigerator then suggest your rival took it. Watch as co-workers repeat the old false accusations while defending rival.
“Look, I’m new here, I personally never saw Dr. McCoy take anything. He seems great, if a little emotional, and I don’t know why we call him Sticky Fingers McCoy. But just to be on the safe side let’s lock all the food up, and stop our tradition of giving out candy, okay?”
Happy Halloween!
