“My sister begged me not to talk about politics at Thanksgiving,” said Uncle Dick Vespa, speaking from a recliner in his sister’s house in a Lincoln Nebraska suburb.
“She pleaded with me, ‘Talk about happy memories when we were kids.’ So I did. The happiest days of MY childhood were teasing her until she cried!”
While Uncle Dick sat in the living room waiting for his younger sister and niece to clean up, he explained why he had no choice but to attack, correct and educate his relatives during the annual holiday event.
“Look, it’s not my fault. From the second I arrived everyone attacked me! I came into the kitchen and my sister was ranting about how important government regulations were, blah blah blah. I didn’t catch it all because she started going off about the food I bought: a very expensive 17 pound honey-baked ham. I know I said I was going to bring a salad, since they’ve been vegan for years, but the stores removed all the romaine lettuce because of the caravan invasion. I couldn’t make my famous Caesar salad so I got a ham instead–which, by the way, was much more expensive. I figured she would be thankful for a break from all the rabbit food, but she wasn’t.”
“Over dinner I won the conversation with my snowflake niece about the economy. I explained the need to cut government regulations and taxes on corporations. She brought up the recent stock market crash, but I pointed out the facts. The stock market only crashed because in January the Dems will start imposing needless, job-killing regulations on corporations.”
“I owned the libs in my own family! Making my snowflake niece cry was the highlight of the day!” – Nation’s Right-Wing Uncle
While wrapping up the remaining 14 pounds of ham to take back to his bachelor apartment, Uncle Dick explained his one regret of the day–his inability to convince them that Brett Kavanaugh was innocent of the sexual assault accusations.
“The fact is that Christine Blasey Ford was a liar! She lied about the reason for her two front doors! One was for renters! Check the dates on the remodeling plans! She lied about her fear of flying! Her ex-boyfriend said she flew all the time! Also, nobody explained convincingly to me why she didn’t report this alleged assault when it happened. If something like that had happened to my sister or niece I’m sure they would have reported it!”
Asked if he had ever talked to either of them about sexual assault or their experiences with high school boys or college men who had been drinking he changed the subject to Brett Kavanaugh’s grades, his potential for a bright future and questioned why Ford couldn’t remember how she got to the house.
“Also, why would a guy who had everything going for him do something like that? Look at his calendar! This was a democrat hit job. Kavanaugh was falsely accused, just like Clarence Thomas was. Frankly I think Ford and her lawyers should be prosecuted for lying.”
When asked why his relatives were visibly unhappy at the end of the day. Dick speculated, “I think it’s because they lose all the conversations. If they could just provide evidence for their opinions maybe they could win a discussion.”
“I can’t figure out why they don’t want to have conversations with me more often. They’re fun. Deep down I suspect they know they can’t beat me in a conversation, so they just stop trying. I guess they are tired of being losers and don’t like hanging out with a winner like me.”
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