NEW YORK— A time-traveling man from the 22nd century revealed Monday that, while many timelines are terrible, the current version, as of Nov 17, 2024 is one of the worst ones. Wolcott, a self-described physicist and adventurer who traveled back in time from 2147 New York City, expressed sorry for the pain people in America will be suffering.
“Look, time travel isn’t like in the movies. When we go back and change something, a whole new timeline is created. Sometimes the people in that timeline are happy, but in some leftover timelines, it’s TERRIBLE! For example, in the timeline where Al Gore is President everyone wears brown. Sure they stopped global climate change & Americans have universal health care, but not everything is perfect! The Wire doesn’t exist! Breaking Bad was never made!
Another timeline has the first female President, but it’s not great either. Sure women’s reproductive freedom is assured. But that timeline doesn’t have an MRA vaccine for COVID-19, because there was no botched response by the other President who ignored the pandemic playbook. The show trials for her impeachment are still continuing. Also, there are NO FUN press conferences! Late night comedy is horrible!
Those of you who are trapped in the current timeline, appreciate the groundbreaking MRA vaccines that will come in handy with a bird flu pandemic (oops Spoilers!) enjoy your ability to wear colors! Appreciate the golden age of TV & great late night comedy.
I know that some of you don’t believe in time travel, but if you could talk to the version of you in OUR timeline, they would tell you how lucky you are. They would tell you about the version of you who is about to endure a 2nd Donald Trump Presidency! What is ironic is that for some people, that is their BEST timeline!
Before he left, Wolcott also mentioned that, in the future, 99 percent of the world’s population has AIDS and we are all slaves to the machines.
My modified version of this Onion story from 2008
